"ALL the ways? Really?" you might ask.
No. You'll pardon the fact that this isn't an exhaustive list of ALL the ways, but hey, you get what you pay for.
I probably came up with the idea for this post while PMSing, a lovely time we women are blessed to enjoy every month for so many years, during which I luckily don't physically suffer, but during which I definitely self-loathe and also turn into a rather awful partner, all the while dumbfounded as to why this happens because I somehow forget each month that this has ALREADY HAPPENED EVERY MONTH FOR EVER.
Then I thought that it'd be funny and perfect and maybe cute and fitting, because this Internet Space is called OFUL (again, pronounced AWFUL), and which, may I remind you, stands for OUR FUCKED UP LIFE. So I started writing it while at an airport in the Philippines, and wouldn't you know, it started putting me in a real foul mood. Lol. But here we are a month later, at the end of this Valentresident's weekend, and goddess as my witness, I gon keep to my intention of posting at least once a month.
Anyhoo, without further ado...
Oh wait, you may or may not know that I've written and illustrated a few ABC books, right? One is yogic, another is just a bunch of animals I copied for an art class project, which, while impressive, is just plagiarism, and yet another a personalized one I made for a friend's birthday. Maybe I should make an ABC book of the ways I'm annoying, except it'll be mostly the letter I (that's an eye not an ell), which I guess is also annoying in itself.
1. Instigate - This isn't a major one, but am I a psychopath? Sometimes, I get a thrill out of seeing people wriggle in the sweat of their nervousness or discomfort. Especially when it's because of something I've said. I notice that I don't do this too much with females, because, whether we like it or not, we can be a sensitive bunch. Quote me on that, I don't give a fuck. It's true. If I instigated shit with you like I did with my guy friends, we wouldn't be friends. Guaranteed or your money BACK. Anyway, for example, sometimes I'll just bring up old and unnecessary shit, like an old relationship where you cheated or a lie you told me and everyone else, or how you should try dating the person right next to you, and then I sit back and watch what happens. So many variables and none physically violent (yet). What happens with ME in having instigated discomfort is an annoying sense of satisfaction mixed with depression.
2. Interrogate - I was always a curious kid. Very curious. As such, I used to ask my parents a ton of questions, including but not limited to questions about the legality of their marriage and any secret siblings. This used to elicit laughs (and, interestingly, no answers), but one particular instance of prodding caused my parents to shoot me wary side eyes and matching scoffs. "What are you, a journalist?" While at the time I thought it was a compliment and a suggestion on what to do with my life, I've come to realize that even clients in therapy are not fans of being asked too many questions. On a recent drive home, J paused my haranguing to tell me that I was always either interrogating him or counseling him, both of which were annoying. LOL. To my credit, I did not defend myself. I simply asked him to provide examples so I can recognize and try to stop. It's hard to see the ways I'm annoying until they're pointed out. But good luck and good night if it ever stops, I'm just a cog in the wheel, after all.
3. Interrupt - This. Is. Classic. Me. For better or for worse (usually worse), I interrupt. It is, in my opinion, the most annoying thing about me. I interrupt like a mother fucker. Even though I really am interested in what you are saying, I swear (most of the time). I think that on some dimension, all words and sentences are laid down onto the universe's plane, so really I'm responding to what you've already said but in the dimension of time, haven't yet said. If that makes sense to you, then you, too, have obviously begun binging on The OA, and hello, friend. I will excuse my interrupting-ness as eagerness, but there are definitely times that I'm...
4. Impatient - Hmm. I guess impatience and my proclivity for interrupting really go hand in hand. I suppose there cannot be one without the other. Impatience, for me, is the fraternal twin to excitement. I get excited to spend my life with someone and then wonder why we're not already 105 years old with 800 grandchildren. I want my PsyD and I want it now, even though I haven't really taken any steps to make this happen. I think this is also a dimension thing, where I want to be able to time travel to reap the benefits of whatever seeds I happen to be sowing currently, and then come back with a smile on my face knowing how dope the future is going to be. Unless it turns out that there is no benefit to the seed, and if that's the case, then... fuck.
5. Intellectual - While getting ready in the bathroom one morning and in a totally unsolicited rant on why I could never be with someone who's obtained too many degrees, which prompted J to go, "Wow, so I'm just a dumb simpleton," which prompted me to LOLaf, I realized/remembered that what irks us is within us. I'm not the smartest tool in the shed of the WORLD, but I'll be damned if I don't acknowledge the sharpness that does exist. Let's just say there have been times I've felt people psychically and cellularly remove themselves from a conversation with me because my arguments were getting too exhausting. But maybe that's just how I would be as a boxer - like Floyd Mayweather, Jr. He's good at making you chase him around the ring until you just fall down and go to sleep, but then also you probably learned something, so you're welcome.
6. Indiscreet - I am not the best secret keeper. This, in itself, is not a secret. I can count two that I've for sure kept, and I'm definitely patting myself on the back for those. I can keep a secret if you remind me before, during, and after the telling of the secret, as well as every other day for two weeks. But here's the thing. I don't believe in secrets. I don't have any of my own - not that I can think of, anyway. I believe in radical honesty. As we all know but try to conveniently forget, we are only in charge of ourselves - our reactions, actions, etc. Therefore, I'd like to not claim culpability for my occasional inability to keep secrets. It's really your fault for telling me, and for even creating the secret. At the same time, it's a good thing you told me, because now we can together bathe in the light of your glorious truth, and doesn't that just feel so much better?!
7. (Too) Relatable - Finally, something that doesn't start with I. This one is, nevertheless, super annoying. Blame it on age and engaging in cultured shit, but I fear I've become one of those people who can relate to everything you bring up in conversation or have done in your life or to every place you've traveled. Yuck. I really don't need to get more into it than that. But I am going to start hawking them RELATABLE shirts, so get your dolla billz ready, freddy!
8. Incessant speech - This doesn't always happen, but there are times I will yammer on until you hate me. And then I'll stop yammering and massage your earlobe and then you'll love me again. Just kidding, this has never happened in my life. Look, we're just lucky that the "don't know when to stop" applies to my speech rather than drug use or gambling. Also, I think maybe only J has to deal with this. The fact that I go, "Are you still listening to me?" several times in any given conversation is a sure sign that I'm talking too much.
9. Judgmental - I just sighed as I typed that. LOL. I'm working on it, but shit talking has always been something that I'm not only good and hilarious at, but have always found necessary to my existence on this planet. Sometimes I wonder, am I spewing hate because I'm jealous? But then I realize, No, it's because you're doing something super corny and lame. I think I did go on a shit talking diet once. It was a long time ago, so I can't remember how good it felt to stop, if it even felt good. Just, people need to stop doing and saying dumb shit, I don't know what else to tell you. Well, the "what else" I can tell you is that Rumi admonished us to let our words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If the answer is not yes to all three, then shut the fuck up. We're all works in progress.
10. Inflexible. Obstinate - Last one. This is always my downfall, being a stubborn mule. Just because I'm right most of the time doesn't mean I have to be an asshole while the other person slowly realizes that I'm right. Right? RIGHT?? Just kidding with that last one, but my need to be right rather than happy or in love or whatever you're supposed to be in your marriage fucks me up sometimes, but give me like 90 seconds and I'll reset.
That's all she wrote, literally, but please feel free to direct me to other annoying things about me, that is, if I'm missing anything. But if it's not constructive and it's just to hurt my feelings, I will fuck you up.