To close up this "Thanksgiving" weekend or just the month of November, I thought I'd make a brief list of some of the things that annoy me. This list is random, which is a duh. If you happen to be reading this and find yourself exhibiting one of these qualities, please don't take it personally. We can't all be perfect.
1. People who expect dogs or babies to love you immediately and act annoyed when it doesn't happen.
These people, to me, are akin to monsters. There's such a thing as trust, and in some (most?) cases, it must be earned. In other cases, it must be earned harder. Would you blindly trust someone who's 10x (guessing on the number, don't quote me, numbers are not my friend) bigger to not end your life or throw you in the garbage? Or, to be less dramatic and more realistic, to not drop you or make fun of you? Sometimes, you've got to show an animal or a baby that it can trust you, rather than show them that they're right to think you're a scary poopoohead.
2. When expecting mothers hold their pregnant bellies in every. single. picture.
We get it, you're growing a human in your mid-section. We can't not see that that's going on. There's no need to cradle it in every fucking picture. I've had at least one person agree with me on this, and because that's all it takes for me to feel sufficiently justified, here we are. Some cases, the holding the belly pose is not that annoying. But generally, stop. It's like the grown-up version of holding up your breasts and making a kissy face for the disposable camera picture while drunk in Tijuana.
3. Those who use "Thanksgiving" to list a bunch of generic shit they're thankful for...
...rather than acknowledging the genocide of the First Nations people that this "holiday" was based on. Look, I used to be ignorant, too. But then I stopped! If you're asleep, you're asleep. But when and if you wake up, it feels kinda weird to continue to go along with the whole make-a-list-and-post-it thing, and on top of that, not honor the memory of the ancestors of those who continue to be oppressed by this great nation. Also, gratitude is best consumed when it's a daily practice.
4. That whole "I'm so relatable" thing going on.
Yuck. This is a major trend on social media and it's got to be one of the most eyeroll-inducing. The general formula, which is actually quite easy once you recognize it, goes like this: Name semi-shitty situation from today / draw attention to physical imperfection + expound for a few paragraphs on how you've called on your higher power or your own power to overcome said shitty situation or physical imperfection. It's undecided whether that's the worst, or whether the worst is all the tireless lemmings responding with encouraging comments that the person who named the shitty situation or drew attention to the physical imperfection but then overcame it is, you guessed it... sooooo relatable. Go pat yourself on the back and stroke your own ego in private, cause that shit's sooooo corny. Oh wait, I guess that wouldn't work for the "relatable to the masses" vibe.
5. Small talk.
Ughhhhh. I don't know how many sentences I've started with, "The older I get...," but it applies to this one. The older I get, the less mental and emotional capacity I have for making small talk at holiday things. Patrick Henry obliged... someone (?) to give him liberty or give him death. Well, give me dope talk or give me no talk! Let's not waste each other's time, vocal chord life, or brain matter on small talk that neither of us is really invested in. For that matter, let's all just fuckin' stop talking. Let's all simply smile, nod, and refrain from speaking unless it's to tell a killer joke, say something super fucking awkward that we can giggle about later, or make a profound philosophical proclamation, the profundity of which must be deemed as such by upwards of 30% of the present audience.
Well, that ends this year's issue on November Nuisances! Stay tuned for next month, when something either will or won't happen.